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All I Can Manage to Say

red pepper drawing
Red Pepper Study #1, colored pencil in sketchbook, 3/21/09


I am starting to wonder why I bother with my art at all. Everything seems mostly pointless these days and nothing seems to matter anymore. I only do it because I don’t know what I would do with myself otherwise, and because I’ve invested quite a bit of myself in it ever since I can remember. I think I would feel guilty if I didn’t keep it up because for the first time, I am starting to feel like my skills are getting better. I know that if I stopped now, it would take me quite some time to get back to where I am now. I already lost a year because I couldn’t use my hands. The days I don’t even enjoy it most of the time but I am afraid that I would make a lot of people (my family especially) sad if I gave up altogether. Giving up would be like giving up on my life, but I am not sure what I should do at the moment. I feel guilty for being confused about this.

Other People’s Saturday Afternoons

sketching at panera

Sketching at Panera, sepia Pitt pen and pencil in moleskine, 3/21/09

I went to Panera Bread and sat in the corner, near the entrance. I was actually quite a bold move, as there was a window behind me and quite a lot of people stopped to observe. I got a few approving glances and smiles from some old ladies.

I’ve been numbering my sketches lately so as to show the progression. You can see how I loosened up as I kept drawing. Here is how it went:

1) He had was sitting on one side of the booth and his friend and girlfriend were on the other side. I didn’t mind drawing him, except for the fact that his buddy kept staring at me. Extended periods of eye contact with complete strangers makes me nervous!

2) I should have left number one in pencil, but only inked it because this girl was also looking at me draw her and I was sort of glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. When I didn’t have a clear view, I resorted to the dots that formed #1’s hair. She was sort of hippie chic as my friend Theo would say. She was wearing a pinkish coral shirt and an orange scarf which is one of my all time favorite color combinations.

3) At first I thought this man was very stern and serious, but then I saw him playing the staring game with his small daughter and it was a touching father/daughter moment. He also had a very nice nose!

4) This woman was the wife/girlfriend of #3. She was chewing and wagging her head around quite a bit, but I had fun drawing her messy ponytail.

5) He was completely oblivious to me drawing him – he was there before me and was still there when I left. I’m not sure what he was working on, but he was sitting there typing away ferociously.

I had grand plans for today but ended up sleeping in and frittering away the whole morning. But I redeemed myself with public sketching! This sort of thing is excellent practice and I don’t do it nearly as often as I would like.

Grown Up Girls Eat Produce

green pepper drawing

Green Pepper, colored pencil in sketchbook, 3/15/2009
No, I am not posting this because it is St Patrick’s Day and I was looking for something green to fit in with the theme. In fact, this is one of my least favorite holidays of the entire year. I dislike it because it is all about drinking and drinking makes me feel uncomfortable with myself. I am not being self righteous. I dislike what alcohol does to people and what it does to myself, and what people allow others to get away with that they would never allow when sober. I will be happy if I never let it touch my lips again. There are much more important things to think about these days and I would prefer to be in my right frame of mind.
Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth. Luke 21:33-35
The reason why I bought the green pepper was because I am trying to eat more produce. For the last few months I have been having cold cereal for dinner almost every night or have skipped it entirely. Needless to say, this has begun to take a toll on my health. Cooking and eating used to be a social thing for me in the past, but now it is about getting my act together and being a grown up who takes care of herself.
I made this sketch in colored pencil, only using four different colors because I didn’t want to get too complicated with it. It has been some time since I have drawn anything from life so it was good practice and it made me feel productive. These days I am all about productivity. By the way, I ended up cutting up half of the pepper and making an omelet. The other half I ate raw.

Man #9, Distinguished Man with Glasses

man in glasses drawing

Man With Glasses (#9), graphite in sketchbook, 3/10/2009

I made this early on in the week before developing a massive headache that has rendered me unable to work. To top it off, I am also anxious about other things which has taken away my desire to work. This has been one of the most unproductive weeks I’ve had in a long time. Today I am forcing myself to leave my house and go places/meet people even with the headache. It is beautiful outside and walking around will be good for me. Perhaps if I get the time and find a nice place to sit down, I will make some sketches while out and about. In any case, I will be gathering ideas for the upcoming 22nd World Wide SketchCrawl on April 11.

Sketching the Pups

german shepherd sketches

The Pups, sepia Pitt pen in moleskine, 3/8/09

I was at my parent’s house this past Sunday and I made some sketches of the puppies. I was in the mood for a challenge and for some reason I always have a hard time finding a good subject to sketch when at my parent’s house. Katie and Cody are brother and sister but they really look nothing like each other. Their personalities are completely different too. Katie is more social and she is very, very smart. Cody is more mellow but also friendly in his own way. He has long and luxurious fur and ears that flop. This is unusual for German Shepherds.

Man #8

man with blank stare

Man with Blank Stare (#8), graphite in sketchbook, March 2009

I haven’t stopped my series; I was just taking a necessary break. In the photo, he looked quite handsome. Early on when drawing this, it was apparent that my picture would not be like that. I do admit, I was a bit heavy handed when drawing his face. He looks like he just finished crying, or is just about to start. Or maybe he is just hungover.
This weekend I didn’t do much by way of art as I spent most of the time shopping and spending time with my family. I really needed to put some attention into myself as my spring wardrobe was in need of an overhaul. I have been thinking a lot about spring in fact. I am so excited that today was the start of Daylight Savings because that means that outdoor after work sketching is just around the corner.

Inking when Exhausted

ink drawing socks

Socks, sepia Pitt pens in sketchbook, 1/29/09

I made this sketch about a month ago after a particularly yucky drive home from work in winter mix. I was reminded of it today because it snowed and I drove in it again.
On another note, I have started doing morning pages again. I have read The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron but never actually went through her whole program. I remember the part when she discusses how quantity is more important than quality – how it will actually improve your quality when you just get into the habit of working more often. Over the past few months I have noticed this to be true for me. A certain percentage of my work is bound to be throw out stuff but as I am increasing my general output, the number of jewels are also increasing.

Visual Journaling

drawing woman

Woman Against Red, graphite and colored pencil in moleskine, 2/28/09

I am only slightly aware of what was going on inside my head when I was making this picture, so I will not attempt to explain it. I have to say that for me, working out vague and conflicting thoughts in my sketchbook is more effective than any written journal I’ve ever kept. Generally, I tend to analyze everything – to the extent that I cause problems for myself. This is one thing that I love to do where my hands work it out for me and my mind is barely involved.

Accomplishments

woman face

Cool, colored pencil and marker in moleskine, February 2009

Recent conversations have made me consider all the things I have given up and am now going to get back. Generally, I make lists and check things off as I accomplish them. Sometimes when I need a pick me up, I write lists of things that I have already accomplished.

-I took the weekend off from art so I could shop and socialize (Saturday and Sunday!).
-Yesterday I watched TV for the first time in months and I drank 2 whole bottles of beer.
-I have begun to go to the gym again to maintain my (nice) body.
-I have been doing actual visual journaling in my sketchbooks.
-I am becoming more okay with “wasting” time.

Today must not be a souvenir of yesterday, and so the struggle is everlasting. Who am I today? What do I see today? How shall I use what I know, and how shall I avoid being victim of what I know? Life is not repetition. -Robert Henri

Man #7, Stern Man

old man drawing

Man with Blue Background (#7), graphite and colored pencil in sketchbook, February 2009

I told myself that I would do something different, but I did something quite similar to what I normally do. I added the blue background though, which is a little different. The truth is, there is something meditative about coming home from work, staring into someone’s face and drawing all the details.